Author: Ryan Olejnik

September 10th, 2023

Journal Writing

September 10th, 2023

Werehumans

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There is never enough light in the day. There is never enough light in the night, for that matter, either. This fact is more noticeable on a night when it’s a new moon. Be very cautious during a new moon because not only is it extremely dark, but that’s also when legend has it wolves turn into werehumans. Never under any circumstances do you want to be bitten by one of them, or you might start doing crazy things like wearing clothes and paying taxes. I don’t know about you, but I enjoy going around in the nude and haven’t had any tax collectors at my door for years. I’m not sure why. Perhaps others think there is too much light in the day when I do that.

In all seriousness, though, there are many things to like about the night. The perfect time to get to first base is when it’s pitch black. However, when stealing a kiss, check it’s your girlfriend and not a skunk. Although, I’m sure skunks make good kissers. Pepé Le Pew, need I say more? It’s just that, in the dark, it’s hard to be sure it’s a skunk, not a cat with white stripes painted down its back. No cat is going to get my tongue! In any case, you better beware because if you feel her nibbling on your ear, it just might be a werehuman instead.

Another great thing about the night is nightmares. Where would we be without those? Am I right? Once, I had this nightmare. I was transformed into a werehuman and hit by a car while chasing a fire truck. Ever since, I’ve been afraid to commit arson anymore, fearing that the dream might come true. I ask you: Now, who will make sure there’s enough light in the day, let alone the night?

Wallflower in A Sunflower Dress

Poetry Writing

Wallflower in A Sunflower Dress

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A wallflower in a sunflower dress, so bright,
A brisk summer shower leaves us drenched in light,
Her laugh, a melody to which she gracefully sways,
She grabs my hand and leads me in the dance’s maze.

Each petal on her dress, a story untold,
In the garden of her spirit, I hope to expose,
The secrets of her world, the colors of her soul,
As we twist in the light drizzle, becoming whole.

Beneath the summer rain, our love takes root,
In this enchanted garden, our hearts follow suit,
As the sunflowers bloom, and the wallflowers shine,
In her sunflower dress, forever, she’ll be mine.

January 11th, 2023

Journal Writing

January 11th, 2023

Now Fear

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When I was a kid, I wore No Fear T-shirts. Ironically, as an adult, I now fear many things, even getting a stain on my shirt. Whenever I find myself in even the slightest of conflicts, my fight or flight instinct kicks in, and I almost always opt to jump on a red-eye flight over getting a black eye. I will take a trip to just about anywhere besides the grocery store to fetch a bag of frozen peas to prevent my eye from swelling. Furthermore, everyone knows when you have a black eye that only black-eyed peas work. Thanks to recent supply shortages, who knows if they will have any in stock. Whenever I need to go to the supermarket, there is always a certain level of apprehension that goes along with it because you never know who you will bump into. If you bump into the wrong person, they might give your other eye a matching shiner. Another reason I dread going to the store is that I suffer from an eyes-are-bigger-than-my-stomach condition, which is only worsened by the fact that they are both already swollen at this point. Now, since I didn’t submit to my natural tendency toward chicken-heartedness, I’m buying black-eyed peas, a whole chicken, and a 10-pound burlap sack full of potatoes to go along with it. After said shopping spree, and with the rising cost of groceries, comes the worry that I will not be able to pay my bills for the month. Now, instead of a No Fear T-shirt, you might see me wearing the burlap sack with two raccoon eyes digging through your trash can. That is definitely something to fear.

September 5th, 2022

Journal Writing

September 5th, 2022

By `

As a general rule of thumb: you should try not to be all thumbs and no fingers. You have to hand it to me at least I am writing about hands instead of feet or missing socks this time. It’s hard writing with your feet anyways. Although I know some people can. The sad thing is that they probably still have better handwriting than me. Thank God for typewriters, right? It’s almost always better to keep your neighbors up all night than have illegible texts like I do. In all seriousness, I would love to do more writing on my vintage 1958 Olympia SM3 typewriter. But I find it extremely difficult to hit the keys with just my thumbs while a neighbor is rapping their knuckles on my door. It’s probably just as well, though, because the last time I checked, one of these relics in pristine condition was selling for a couple hundred dollars. Unless, of course, you get it for a steal with a special five-finger discount, but I never understood that expression since anything worth stealing would probably take all ten. Besides, thieving from the wrong person is a great way to quickly become all thumbs and no fingers, which is why it’s unmistakably better to work for a living. Happy Labor Day!

September 2nd, 2022

Journal Writing

September 2nd, 2022

Starting Off on the Wrong Foot-Long

By `

They say you should never start off on the wrong foot — but if you’re anything like me, you’ll start off on a couple of wrong inches at least. And speaking of feet, why do we call it a foot when most people’s are less than twelve inches long? Unless you wear a size fourteen, in which case, congratulations on finishing clown school. I was a clown school dropout, which is how I landed in the high-stakes world of sandwich artistry. Oh well, I guess if the shoe fits, right? I promise this won’t turn into some kind of running gag.

But starting off on the wrong foot isn’t just for relationships — it happens in the kitchen too. Burn your lettuce? Wrong foot. Mistake mayo for tartar sauce? Definitely the wrong foot. Drop an entire foot-long sub on the floor and invoke the five-second rule? “Hey, you sunk my battleship… no, wait — my submarine… sandwich. Either way, I lost.” That’s a wrong foot, a wrong knee, and probably a wrong elbow.

Now, I’ll admit I’ve had my fair share of wrong-footed moments outside the kitchen too. I like to keep souvenirs and gifts from girlfriends in a shoebox — I’m sentimental like that. I mean, is there really any other way to be sentimental? But more often than not, those girlfriends would end up walking all over me. And yes, I promised this wouldn’t turn into a running gag, but I never said I wouldn’t stumble my way into a walking joke.

One particularly pedestrian relationship left me with a shoebox full of memories and a smoldering desire for closure — quite literally. After the breakup, I decided to set fire to the shoebox — or at least I thought it was the shoebox. I was so sad I swear I had to listen to The Beatles’ “Yellow Submarine” a hundred times just to feel better. Turns out, I accidentally torched a shoebox full of my recipe cards instead. So now, I’m not only down a relationship but also my instructions on how to make my Yellow Submarine Sandwich. Let’s just say I ended off on the wrong foot, the wrong fire marshal’s list, and quite possibly the wrong setting for flambé. My kitchen’s seen more smoke than a sock pirate ship under attack — and if you’re wondering, yes, that’s the same scoundrel band of sock pirates that stole my laundry. Lucky for me, it’s easier to escape them when your sandwich doubles as a submersible — complete with pickle torpedoes.

So, whether you’re navigating love or foot-long subs, the lesson remains the same: make the best impression you can. And if you do start off on the wrong foot, at least try not to burn the shoebox. Or the lettuce. And definitely not the submarine.

August 11th, 2022

Journal Writing

August 11th, 2022

Laundro-Matey or Five-second Gruel

By `

They say the first step to good cooking is having clean laundry. And no, not because your oven doubles as a dryer — though, if it does, we’ve got bigger problems. It’s because nothing ruins a culinary masterpiece faster than realizing you’re out of clean dish towels and drying your hands on last week’s jeans. Suddenly, that five-star meal feels a lot more like a five-second rule situation.

Of course, before you can even think about cooking, you’ve got to conquer one of life’s great mysteries: the case of the missing sock. Did it vanish under the washer? Fall victim to the laundry room floor? Or, and hear me out, is there a scoundrel band of sock pirates using them as ransom? Honestly, feet can smell pretty funky, so maybe someone’s airing them out for the greater good. If you’re concerned, may I suggest sandals? Or, if you’re feeling bold, perhaps a pair of Crocs. Though someone once disclosed to me, in confidence, that Crocs are only fashionable if you’re boating — and no, a gravy boat doesn’t count.

And what if you do find yourself out on a boat, clad in Crocs, the wind in your hair? You know, when you suddenly find yourself in a galley cooking for those sock pirates. Just pray they’re hoisting actual sails and not one of your bedsheets. Because if you spot your fitted sheet flapping proudly above deck, congratulations — you’ve officially aired your dirty laundry in the most literal sense.

So, before you tackle that fancy soufflé or attempt a ‘simple’ three-course meal, maybe check the laundry pile. Clean towels, clean clothes, and a clear conscience — that’s the real recipe for success. And if you’re lucky, you might even find that missing sock. Or at least its ransom note.

July 7th, 2022

Journal Writing

July 7th, 2022

A Grandmother Clock

By `

In a festive room is a grandmother clock, which no longer ticks. Sadly, her mechanisms couldn’t be fixed anymore. We had such good times with her, never thinking about how one day they could end. We wanted to believe they were everlasting. It was easy to disillusion ourselves since her hands tirelessly revolved around a continuous circle. This circle was so much more than just etched numbers, but memories minted by family and friends that will no longer be touched by this loving woman’s hands. Although her ticker may have stopped, we can still carry pieces of her in our own timepieces. They can be put back together again someday when we meet our clockmaker, who goes by Father Time.

Essay: Food for Thought

Essay Writing

Essay: Food for Thought

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You should have a thirst for knowledge rather than be power-hungry. They say that knowledge is power, anyway. Knowledgeable people know when and when not to use said power. There is a reason they call it food for thought — ideas are a delicacy. An idea, according to a dictionary, is a formulated thought or opinion. The operative keyword here is formula. It is important to be well-read, so we can discern and decide for ourselves if we are being bottle-fed or misled because people in positions of power often have a tendency to try and sugarcoat everything. Interestingly, the word intellect itself is defined as the power of knowing distinguished from the power to feel and to will, or a person with great intellectual powers. The capacity for intelligent thought is associated with having great power but is only absolutely achievable, while also maintaining separation from one’s feelings or will. That is why we must strive to think before we act. True understanding comes from the ability to understand others and our differences. We should all seek to obtain a diploma in diplomacy from a class on having class.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

Article Writing

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

By `

Introduction

Let me be honest, sometimes I consider throwing in the towel, but then what would I use to dry off? There are little things in life that can make us sweat: from making deadlines at work to paying rent on time. Then there are the big things: how you are going to pay for college, what you want to do with the rest of your life, or deciding whether to quit a job or not. All of it can leave you feeling like you just ran a 5k marathon. So what are some things you can do to not sweat the small and large stuff too?

Take a Breather

Since you probably feel like you just finished running a long-distance race, try to take a moment to catch your breath. Any kind of important decision we generally have to make requires thinking, and guess what your brain needs to properly function? Oxygen. When you are calm and breathing well, your mind will then be kind to you and provide you with clear answers or solutions to your problems. If you need help accomplishing this, you can try doing tai chi, which is a perfect exercise that helps you focus on your breathing. You could try taking a walk. I know, I know… probably the last thing you want to do after running a 5K. Walking will not only relax you, but it will also help you to maintain a steady breathing pattern and rhythm in your heart.

Cool Off for a Minute

It is hard to deal with any situation when you are hot under the collar or have steam coming out of your ears. What better way to break a sweat than in a steam room? No one makes good choices when they are hot-headed. You should try putting off making any decisions in the heat of the moment. Do whatever you have to cool off. Take a cold shower, take it out on a pillow, or even take first place in the aforementioned five-kilometer race. Whatever you need to do, rid yourself of that anger. By making more rational, well-informed decisions, you will be less likely to sweat the small stuff. So always remember to keep a cool head, drink a slushy if you have to… just be careful of brain freeze.

Tell Yourself, ‘It’s No Sweat!’

There is a lot to be said about the power of positive thinking. Just telling yourself mentally that you can handle something can actually make you physically capable of dealing with it. There was a study done proving there was a link between your perceived age mentally and the actual physical age of your body. The research found that people who thought of themselves as being younger were much fitter and healthier than those who did not. The brain is the most powerful muscle in your body, but just like any other muscle, it can become overworked. Do not spend too much time thinking and worrying about things; instead, tell your brain that ‘it’s no sweat’ and it won’t.

In Conclusion

Did you notice a common theme throughout this article? No, I’m not referring to the occasional humorous analogy to running a marathon; but to what all these points had in common: your mindset. By thinking that you can’t, you probably won’t. Don’t be a dumbbell and exercise positive thought. Stinking thinking will not only smell worse than a bag of sweaty gym socks but also keep you sweating the small stuff.

Piacquadio, Andrea. “Selective Focus Close-up Photo of Woman in Gray Tank Top Using White Towel to Wipe Her Face.” Pexels, 13 July 2018, www.pexels.com/photo/selective-focus-close-up-photo-of-woman-in-gray-tank-top-using-white-towel-to-wipe-her-face-3757945/.