What’s the deal with Cricut machines, anyway? They’re like the Tesla of arts and crafts. Back in my day, “arts and crafts” meant popsicle sticks, Elmer’s glue, and maybe a piece of glitter if you really wanted to show off. Now? People are forking over hundreds of dollars just to make personalized coffee mugs. I can’t afford that—not without making a wish on a star or calling in a favor from my old buddy, Jiminy Cricut. He’s been there for me ever since the Blue Fairy looked at my popsicle-stick body and said, “Yeah, let’s make that real.”

To be fair, I never asked to be some sort of popsicle stick celebrity. But I do want to be the kind of person who owns a Cricut machine. You know, fancy enough to look at a pile of vinyl and say, “I could make a monogram out of this!” It’s fine, though—I take it all in Good Humor. Although, every time I scroll through Cricut prices, I’m pretty sure my nose gets a little longer. At least I don’t have to worry about termites or woodpeckers anymore. Now my biggest concerns are how to pay off my credit card bill from Hobby Lobby and avoid being swallowed by a whale.

But seriously, what does a Cricut machine even do? For all I know, you could use one to make new uniforms for my cricket team, The Grasshoppers. After losing our last big match to The Lawnmowers (they bowled us out with no wickets left to spare), we could really use a morale boost. Maybe something with a custom locust design? That would definitely chirp everyone up. Or better yet, I could Cricut us some custom cricket bats—nothing says intimidation like a locust-themed bat with glitter accents, right?

Honestly, though, I’d probably mess it up. I’d start out making cool bats and end up bedazzling our cricket balls instead. Pretty soon we’d be playing with rhinestone-covered balls that would blind the umpire, and I would be left with a glitter-covered mess that looks like a unicorn exploded in my living room. It’s only a matter of time before I’m explaining to Jiminy that I didn’t mean to glue my fingers together, and no, Blue Fairy can’t fix this one.

Still, I can’t help but be intrigued. Maybe I do need a Cricut machine. Think about the possibilities! I could personalize my grocery lists, make a sticker for every Tupperware lid that’s mysteriously lost its partner, or even create a custom label for my feelings: Warning—Strings Attached, Handle with Care. If I’m going to turn my life into a DIY project, I might as well go all in, right?

And who knows? Maybe once I master the Cricut, I’ll become one of those people who makes everything look effortless. Suddenly, my kitchen will be full of mason jars with perfectly crafted labels, my friends will receive hand-cut birthday cards that are somehow better than anything Hallmark could dream of, and I’ll have a vinyl decal on my car that says something like Live, Laugh, Cricut.

But let’s be honest. I’ll probably just end up with a pile of failed projects and glitter in places glitter should never go. I guess some things are better left to the pros—or at least to those who can afford the machine or enough popsicles to fix my fingers after yet another crafting disaster.