I had a dentist appointment today. Although I’m not really sure what I needed to have dented. Between you and me, I already have enough bumps, bruises, and dents to last a lifetime.
It’s like I’m a slapstick comedian, except I don’t do it to entertain an audience. Unless, of course, my girlfriend and dog count. Come to think of it, they do seem awfully entertained whenever I squirt toothpaste in my eye. They’re practically in stitches by the time I start brushing my eyelashes.
Speaking of my dog, she could use a trip to the doggy dentist herself. But unlike me, she probably wouldn’t literally trip.
Her breath isn’t exactly the freshest, which is surprising considering I feed her Freshpet. Apparently, the freshness doesn’t extend to the pet.
On a scale of 1 to 10, her breath rates a K9. The K stands for knockout. One whiff and you’re down for the count.
At first, I thought it was just morning breath. But by evening, I was beginning to mourn. Something clearly had died in her mouth.
Naturally, I tried giving her breath spray. But the mere mention of it sends her running with her tail between her legs. Quite a feat, considering she barely has one.
Next, I took Cesar Millan’s advice and gave her cranberries. I thought it would work considering he’s the Dog Whisperer and all. But that just made me wish my dog would whisper herself.
One thing’s for sure, her halitosis makes getting doggie kisses a lot less enjoyable. Not that it was ever particularly enjoyable in the first place. Kissing a Miniature Schnauzer is like kissing the Bearded Lady. Although, to be fair, the Bearded Lady probably has better breath.
Still, I don’t understand why she always expects me to scratch behind her ears afterward.
My girlfriend apparently got the wrong idea about the whole kissing business and really busted my chops over it. As if I hadn’t already put my mouth through enough at the dentist. And the circus.
After today, they’ve literally dedicated a plaque to my plaque.
Maybe one of these appointments, I can try to sneak my dog in with me. But something tells me that after the dentist catches wind of her breath, he’ll declare it a total floss.