It’s Sweetest Day, and I’m wondering if there’s going to be some kind of swee-test this year. I’m not sure I’m prepared for that. Oh, God, what if there’s a pop quiz about the best ways to pop the question?
I’m a hopeless romantic—emphasis on the hopeless. I haven’t read a romance novel since… well, ever. I wouldn’t even know what qualifies as romantic these days. Proposing atop a skyscraper? That wouldn’t work because my girlfriend is afraid of heights, and I’m afraid of… well, marriage.
After admitting that, though, maybe I should be more afraid of my girlfriend. Spending Sweetest Day at Urgent Care wouldn’t exactly be sweet.
Then again, at least I’d get a lollipop. Although who wants to suck on one after being sucker punched in the jaw?
Maybe I could even propose to her right there in the waiting room. That’s romantic, right? You know, somewhere there are plenty of witnesses, just in case it isn’t. And as an added bonus, I’d be first in line for first aid.
At least I’d be prepared for the doctor’s tests, if not the swee-test. Whether I’d pass them after my girlfriend was through with me is another matter entirely.
Of course, maybe I’ve misunderstood this whole swee-test business. What if it’s not a written exam at all? What if it’s some kind of rom-com competition?
Couples would compete in a series of increasingly embarrassing romantic challenges. Naturally, the winning couple would be whichever one hadn’t broken up by the end.
I really think my girlfriend and I would stand a chance, provided that couple from the horror movie Obsession weren’t contestants. Although, judging by my earlier comments about marriage, I’m beginning to think my girlfriend and that woman might get along famously.
But just to be safe, does anyone know a good tutor?
Or a good bodyguard?