Whoever invented rock, paper, scissors was a genius! For centuries, this little game has decided everything from who goes first in badminton to who gets the last slice of pizza—and, naturally, who rides shotgun on the way to the pizza parlor. After our annual winter badminton championship (or what I like to call bad mitten season), I usually celebrate my latest defeat with a slice or two. But the game itself is rarely definitive. After a few volleys in January, my racket feels more like an ice scraper, and the birdie practically flies south for the season. That’s when we typically abandon the score and let rock, paper, scissors decide the winner—as long as our fingers aren’t frozen stiff.
Now, imagine if we cranked rock, paper, scissors up to an extreme level. I’m talking about Rock, Paper, Scissors: Ultimate Showdown Edition! In this version, each option comes with a twist: rock is now a boulder you have to lift overhead; paper is a giant scroll that requires two people to unfurl; and scissors are life-sized, operated by someone in a safety harness. The stakes would be so much higher!
This extreme twist would make everyday decisions a lot more exhilarating. Forget about who goes first in badminton; now we’d have a full-blown competition complete with a championship belt! Who wouldn’t want to earn the title of Rock, Paper, Scissors Champion? Just imagine the post-game pizza parties—now that would be a celebration worthy of true victory!
I think some notoriously bad situations would be far more tolerable if they were settled with a quick game of rock, paper, scissors. Picture the DMV: instead of endless waiting, you’d be rock-paper-scissoring your way to the counter. Everyone would get through in no time—well, unless you’re Edward Scissorhands. In that case, you’d have to make peace with the fact that you’ll be losing every round and probably riding shotgun to the pizza parlor indefinitely. But hey, with those hands, at least you’d have the peace sign down pat!
And really, where would we be without rock, paper, scissors? Without rock, we wouldn’t have The Rolling Stones—or my new pet rock, Rocko, from my last anecdote, Cloudy with a Chance of Canines. Without paper, I wouldn’t have written this very anecdote you’re reading (and you’d be spared!). Imagine a world without paper: no books, no notes passed in class, and no instructions for how to play rock, paper, scissors in the first place! And without scissors, we’d all look like we were heading to a Rolling Stones concert—wild hair and all.
It’s amazing how a game as old as powdered wigs can still save the day with nothing more than three hand gestures and an intense stare. And if Edward Scissorhands were your barber, you’d definitely need a powdered wig to survive that haircut! So, here’s to rock, paper, scissors: the game that’s kept us all fair and square… at least until someone tries to sneak “dynamite” into the mix.
