Since I’m such a seasoned chef, I like to have a lot of seasonings on hand. I know what you’re probably thinking: “Bork! Bork! Bork!” I said seasoned chef, not Swedish Chef. But with the sheer number of spices and herbs in my kitchen, I might as well host my own cooking show. Welcome to The Spice is Right! And you can call me… Bob Borker.
With all these herbs, my kitchen isn’t just a place for cooking—it’s basically a holistic healing center. Need a cure for the common cold? I’ve got ginger, turmeric, and honey. Feeling sluggish? Try some cayenne for a natural detox (or at least a reason to chug milk). I’d say I’m just one essential oil away from becoming a wellness guru, but let’s be honest—I’d probably spill it everywhere.
That said, even an herbal healer needs a little organization. It’s time for a proper spice rack. The only problem? I have no idea how to build one. I’m not a carpenter. If I were, I’d spend less time cooking and more time singing “Close to You” in an angelic contralto. Besides, my last attempt at assembling furniture resulted in an entertainment center that looks more like an entertainment epicenter—as in, the exact point where an earthquake just hit.
But I don’t need to add carpentry to my already impressive résumé. Some of you might be wondering, with such a lucrative career as a humorist, why I even need to moonlight as a chef. The answer? I have a lot of mouths to feed… mostly the ducks at the park. I’m hoping one of them turns out to be Scrooge McDuck and buys me a spice rack as a thank-you.
As a cook, people often ask me why my food tastes so good. “What’s your secret?” they wonder. I usually respond, “If I told you, I’d have to kill you.” Or, if I want to keep them on their toes, “Never mind, I’ll just wait for the poison to kick in.” That’s when they start dialing Poison Control, and I have to clarify—“Relax, the secret is cumin.” They never see that cumin.
But since people may now be a little hesitant to eat my cooking, and these anecdotes won’t make me enough money for a spice rack anytime soon, I guess I’ll just turn it into a game. Next time I’m cooking, I’ll tell my girlfriend, “I Spice with My Little Eye something brownish yellow,” and let her find the cumin.
