There’s a lot of talk these days about body image. It refers to how we think and feel about our own physical appearance. Personally, my body image is like a Rorschach test—every time I look in the mirror, I have to squint and tilt my head just to make sense of it. Some days, I swear it looks like two gorillas fighting over a banana split sundae.
Ideally, I’d like a physique of a different primate—maybe a monkey like Curious George. But let’s be honest: I’d probably trade the banana split for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey and end up looking more like Curious Gorge. At that point, The Man with the Yellow Hat would have to rebrand as The Man with the Yellow Plastic Grocery Bag Over His Head—not because he’s embarrassed to be seen with me, but because he forgot to buy more ice cream.
My girlfriend gets me, though. She’s sweet enough to bring me my favorite frozen treat: Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake bars. I just wish they were short on the strawberries—not the cake. Not that I’m complaining—especially since last summer’s shorts still technically fit. I think I’m just getting taller. Probably in the waist.
What I like best is that the bars come in a six-pack—which is more than I can say for my abs. At this point, with all the frozen treats I’ve packed away, my stomach’s starting to resemble The Abdominal Snowman—a mysterious, ape-like creature spotted mostly in the wilds of the freezer aisle, known for its soft serve core and elusive six-pack.
If I really want to improve my body image, maybe I should stop aiming for abs and just aim for survival—like our early ancestors. Neanderthals weren’t counting carbs. They were just trying not to get eaten by saber-toothed tigers.
Somewhere along the evolutionary timeline, the missing link must’ve wandered into a fast food chain—and stayed there.
Have we really evolved from kings of the jungle just to sit in the Dairy Queen drive-thru? I’m ordering an Oreo Blizzard—because it looks like a Rorschach test, and if I stare at it long enough, maybe I’ll see Tarzan instead of two gorillas fighting over a banana split.
