The other day, our dog, Goldie, had a routine operation. The vet asked me if I wanted them to give her a microchip. I thought she just had a bunch of those when she ate the chip crumbs from the Cheddar Broccoli dip I made last weekend—and that didn’t cost me ninety-five dollars.
And yes, I’m mentioning the dip again in this anecdote because… it was that good.
But if I’m being completely honest, I doubt there’s any real need for Goldie to be microchipped. I’m the one more likely to get lost. I just moved into a new house, in a new town, and I’m still trying to get my bearings. Which makes it sound like I’m half man, half machine or something. I think we’ve already established I’m half a man—but part machine too? That would make me a Ryborg.
Prepare to be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
Of course, if I were a Ryborg, I’d probably perform mundane domestic tasks like cooking, cleaning, and walking the dog.
Oh.
Wait.
I already do all of those things.
I know what you’re probably thinking: why does this guy always wander off on tangents? And that’s exactly my point. I get lost because I wander off—mentally, geographically, conversationally. Maybe I should’ve asked the vet if I could get microchipped instead. Although, if I really am a Ryborg, I’m pretty sure I already have plenty of those.
The thing you don’t realize is that I’ve already thought this through, which is why my Nintendo Switch Online handle is, in fact, Ryborg. I bet some of you also wish you could Switch me off at times. Heck, even I wish I could Switch myself off at times—especially when performing mundane domestic chores. But if I switch off, my Nook Miles in Animal Crossing would be lost. And I seriously doubt my vet offers microchipping services for those animals.
By the time evening rolled around and we were back from the vet, Goldie was recovering beautifully, and I was standing in the kitchen scraping the last of the Cheddar Broccoli dip from the container. She kept a watchful eye on me, as if to say, Don’t worry. I know where you are. Which is more than I can say for myself.
