Often in the morning, I find myself sneezing up a storm. Let me tell you from experience that you never want a sneeze storm loose in your home. Suddenly, it gets very dark, despite your bright but energy-efficient lighting. Papers start scattering around and blowing out the window. So long, shopping list. I guess I didn’t need those Cool Ranch Buffalo Cheetos, anyway.
Next comes the heavy rains. Good luck filing an insurance claim for water damage; they will only tell you they don’t protect against sneeze storms. Too bad the wind also took the overdue bill for the insurance company.
Don’t even get me started about the thunder and the angry neighbors banging at your door because they think you’re testing a new pair of subwoofers with one of those bass mix albums. You know the one: Gesundheit Bass Vol. 5.
Then comes the lightning. The lights begin to flicker before leaving you in the dark completely. I know I paid that bill! Also, contrary to popular belief, those “energy-saving” lightbulbs don’t actually save up energy to use at a later time.
Once the sneeze storm finally clears and your power is restored, you might discover a redheaded girl in ruby slippers and her pet Cairn Terrier mysteriously standing in your living room. She might be asking to meet the Wizard of Schnoz. You try explaining to her you’re not some powerful wizard, you just have powerful allergies. Anyway, I told her, “You’re more than welcome to look and if you do happen to find him, ask if he has some antihistamines for me.”
I regretted extending the welcome because she really overstayed it. When she invited some scary-looking scarecrow guy over, that was the last straw. I don’t know what made her think I was having some kind of party, other than the Gesundheit Bass music. Even if I was having a party, you don’t just invite any old scarecrow over without asking. I mean, it’s kind of a no-brainer.
If that wasn’t bad enough, then a group of people burst through my door claiming to be storm chasers right in the middle of the game of Twister we were playing. I really need to pick up some Benadryl. I would hate to see what happens next allergy season if I could see anything at all with red, itchy swollen eyes. Also, does anyone know how much a one-way bus ticket to Kansas is? Apparently, that girl, Dorothy, asked the dog to fetch her slippers and I’m sure you can piece together the rest.
I feel another sneeze coming on if these people don’t get out of my place. I try suppressing it, but I sneeze so hard that this time a cloud of glitter bursts out of my nose, showering everyone in the vicinity. For a moment, there’s stunned silence as everyone processes what just happened. Then, once my uninvited guests start finding glitter in their drinks, on their clothes, and even in their hair, the novelty quickly wears off. Amidst the laughter, someone jokes, “Well, I guess this is a party favor we didn’t ask for!” But as the glitter continues to spread like a relentless sparkly plague, they start heading for the door, not wanting to take home any more of my glittery sneeze souvenirs.