I’ve been trying to get into food prepping, which requires a level of organization I do not currently possess. People are always telling me I should get all my ducks in a row. Which raises an important question: what does that even mean? And which ducks, at that?
For starters, ducks have no need for a rowboat. And the last time I checked ducks, they could tread water just fine. Also—evidently—they can play chess, because how else would I have checked the ducks? Putting them into checkmate is an entirely different matter though.
But maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. Maybe the saying refers to the British definition of row, meaning “a noisy quarrel.” If that’s the case, then perhaps I’m supposed to put all my ducks into some kind of combat arena. You know—like chicken fights, but more family-friendly.
If I wanted to see feathers fly, I’d just invite them over for a sleepover and hand out pillows.
There are a few ducks I’d like to get in a row with myself—specifically the ones from a previous anecdote involving the @QuackCash Venmo account. Those foul fowls are still extorting me for bread. Honestly, they’re more organized than I am. They call it organized crime for a reason.
I briefly considered leaving a breadcrumb trail leading to a boxing ring—which, at this point, would still count as meal prep—but with my luck one of them would turn out to be Quack Dempsey or something. I already barely survived a match with Billy the Goat. The last thing I need is to go toe-to-toe with a pugilist pintail. Besides, I couldn’t go toe-to-toe anyway. They have webbed feet.
So maybe instead of putting my ducks in a row, I should just put them all in a circle and play a nice, safe game of duck, duck, goose.
Not because I’m chicken or anything.
But because I’ve heard geese lay golden eggs. And maybe those quackateers can go pluck someone else for their bread.
At this point, I’m no longer trying to organize my ducks. I’m just hoping they stop billing me.