Halloween is creeping up on us, and I’m officially creeped out. It’s like one of those creepy crawlers you swear is crawling up your leg—except this time, it’s the entire holiday giving me the heebie-jeebies. (Still not sure what those are, but I’m definitely covered in them.) I know, I know, I’m a big fraidy-cat. I’m even afraid of my own shadow, and honestly, I think my shadow is just as terrified of me.
Look, I’ve tried to embrace the spirit of Halloween, I really have. But when you’re jumping at fake skeletons in the grocery store and side-eyeing the neighbor’s inflatable spider like it’s plotting against you, it’s time to admit defeat. That’s why I’m proposing a new holiday: Yelloween! A holiday made for all my fellow worrywarts who are as yellow-bellied as I am.
And trust me, I’m about as yellow-bellied as they come—think rubber chicken level. But if I’m such a chicken, why do I get goosebumps? It’s like I’ve got a whole farmyard of emotions going on. At this rate, if I keep getting spooked, I might just buy the farm—and I don’t mean in a good way!
“Yelloween” would still have trick-or-treating because, let’s be honest, no one’s afraid of free candy. But the trick part? I could live without it. Between cleaning up eggs some teenagers threw at my house—eggs I swear I didn’t lay—and the annual smashed pumpkin massacre on my porch, I think I’d rather skip the ‘trick’ altogether.
And don’t get me started on the decorations. Cobwebs? My house looks like that 365 days a year, thank you. Add a skeleton in the yard and suddenly my heart rate’s doing cardio I didn’t sign up for. Talk about things that go bump in the night! With my heart pounding like that, it’s a bloodcurdling scream just waiting to happen. At least the vampires would turn up their noses at it—curdled blood isn’t exactly their style!
Now, as for costumes—why do people always go for ghosts, monsters, or witches? Who actually wants to be a ghost? I’d probably scare myself half to life. Let’s keep it less spooky. Maybe dress up as something more relatable… like a dentist, doctor, or lawyer. Although, come to think of it, the last thing I want to see while devouring a bag of candy is a dentist. They’re scarier than any ghost—I mean, they come armed with a toothbrush and floss that could double as a noose! Now that’s a real brush with death!