I waste a ridiculous amount of time worrying about grammar. It’s not like I’m going to win a Grammy for it. This got me thinking: what kind of prize do you get for winning the Scripps National Spelling Bee? A lifetime supply of Burt’s Bees Beeswax Lip Balm? That would make sense, considering your lips would probably get pretty dry trying to spell words like “hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia,” the second-longest word in the dictionary, which ironically means a fear of long words. I don’t even know how to pronounce it, let alone spell it. Honestly, I would’ve assumed it means the fear of going to the optometrist if you’re a hippopotamus.
If you were a hippo afraid of opticians, you probably wouldn’t want anyone to know. So, if someone starts questioning why you’re anxious outside of LensCrafters, you could just tell them to mind their beeswax—which, luckily, you just got a lifetime supply of from a spelling bee. It’s unfortunate because I feel like if more hippos had glasses, they would stop confusing marbles for food when playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
As much as I fret over my grammar, a lifetime supply of Burt’s Bees Beeswax Lip Balm isn’t enough to make me want to learn how to spell “hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.” The only way I’d probably ever spell it is if it were on an eye chart in an optometrist’s office. Now I’m starting to wonder if I have that phobia too—not the fear of long words, but of optometrists. And wait, what did I just swallow? Was it a marble?