Tag: humor

August 22nd, 2024

Journal Writing

August 22nd, 2024

Chain Mail and Coffee Tables: A Middle-aged Fable

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Recently, I had a stark realization: I’ve officially entered the realm of middle age. What does that even mean? Should I be wearing a suit of armor and slaying dragons? Because, honestly, I don’t even like wearing regular suits, let alone ones that could double as a medieval frying pan. The next time I’m dragged to a formal event, don’t be surprised if I show up in chain mail. And no, I’m not talking about those annoying chain mail letters that guilt you into forwarding them to ten friends or else—though, come to think of it, that would be a unique fashion statement.

As for the dragon-slaying bit, do I really need to go all St. George on some poor mythical creature? I mean, I am middle-aged, after all. Shouldn’t I be looking for simpler solutions? Like maybe just playing with the dragon instead? A nice game of fetch sounds more my speed. But what do you throw for a dragon, exactly? A Dragon Ball Z? They don’t exactly sell dragon-sized frisbees at the local pet store. And while we’re at it, training the dragon could be fun—I’ve seen How to Train Your Dragon enough times to know a few tricks. We could even become besties. Or beasties.

I imagine us lounging by the castle moat, listening to some bard strumming “Greensleeves” on his lute, while the dragon toasts marshmallows with its fire breath for s’mores. I could get used to this middle-aged gig. That is, until some evil warlock shows up, kidnaps a princess, and everyone starts looking at me like I’m supposed to do something about it. Just because I’m a dragon whisperer doesn’t mean I can mutter some magical words under my breath and defeat a wizard with a well-timed “shh!” I’m no good at fighting. I can’t even fight off sleep—close my eyes, and its goodnight.

Speaking of knights, I’d definitely need a band of them if there’s any hope of rescuing that princess. But instead of a Round Table, the best I can offer is my slightly stained coffee table. Of course, then they’d expect coffee—and probably a coffee cake to go with it. Before you know it, we’re all sitting around, sipping lattes, sharing stories about back pain, and completely forgetting there’s a princess in need of saving. Maybe this middle-aged thing isn’t as glamorous as it sounds after all.

August 21st, 2024

Journal Writing

August 21st, 2024

M&M Mayhem: A Seagull's Mischief on Paper

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Whenever I write a lowercase ‘m,’ it always looks like a seagull to me. I know that can’t be right because “seagull” clearly starts with a ‘c,’ not an ‘m.’ But it’s hard to shake that image. Every time I see an ‘m,’ I picture those little wings in flight. And if one ‘m’ looks like a seagull, just imagine what happens when you write a mammoth number of them—you end up with a whole flock of ‘m’s soaring across the page. If you ever get a whole flock of them together, don’t be surprised if they suddenly start belting out, “And I ran. I ran so far away,” while mysteriously gravitating towards the nearest body of water.

Now, here’s something to ponder: if seagulls are hanging out by a lake instead of the sea, can you really call them seagulls anymore? Wouldn’t that make them lakegulls? I’d say if you’re having lakegull problems, it’s probably time to call a lawyer. But honestly, all of this trouble could be avoided if we just got rid of the letter ‘m’ altogether. Then again, what would happen to M&M’s? I’ll tell you exactly what would happen: the seagulls would swoop in and fly off with them. That’s what.

Trust me, the last thing you want is seagulls with a sugar high on the loose. You’d have candy-coated chaos, with feathered fiends dive-bombing anyone holding a snack, leaving a trail of colorful shells in their wake. It wouldn’t stop there either—next, they’d be going for your cola. And before you know it, you’ve got caffeinated seagulls buzzing around like winged pinballs, jittering and squawking at double speed.

You ever play pinball with a seagull? I wouldn’t recommend it. They have no sense of direction, and they’re notorious for tilting the machine—plus, they’re always trying to steal the extra ball! And that’s how I got kicked out of Chuck E. Cheese, which is a shame because I rather enjoyed their pizza. At least when the seagull didn’t seize that from me too.

Now I’m banned for life, all because one sugar-crazed seagull couldn’t resist a slice of pizza. It’s probably for the best though—I’d hate for them to catch me writing another ‘m’ and set off a whole new frenzy. So, if you ever spot a seagull eyeing your meal, take my advice—just let it go. It’s safer to lose a snack than to tangle with a pizza-loving, cola-fueled bird on a mission.

August 17th, 2024

Journal Writing

August 17th, 2024

Jest Laugh & Beyond: Ventures in Funny Business

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People often say, “And no funny business.” But what if funny business is exactly what you’re in? I’ve always thought it would be a riot to own one of those old-fashioned gag gift shops—the kind where the shelves are stocked with whoopee cushions, fake vomit, and cans with spring-loaded snakes. I’d call it Jest Laugh & Beyond, with a slogan that practically dares you to get silly: “Fill your bag with gags at Jest Laugh & Beyond. You’d be an April Fool not to take advantage of these deals. You’ll prank me later.”

But maybe I need to embrace the digital age and go virtual. I could launch an online store for all the digital jokers out there. I’d call it Gagabytes, the site for all your dot comedy needs. You can also do a search for us on Giggle. Our homepage would proudly declare, “We’re always pun-line!”

And if neither of those ideas fly, why not go down to earth—literally—and start a funny farm? Picture this: a sprawling ranch filled with a laughing stock of livestock. I’d raise dreadlocked donkeys, earless goats, naked neck chickens, and miniature cows that look like they belong in a Fisher-Price barnyard playset. The farm would grow square watermelons and rainbow corn, and every weekend, we’d host performances by the Llama Drama Club. This troupe of llamas, complete with costumes and props, would reenact Shakespeare’s greatest hits out in the pasture—think Hamlet, A Midsummer Night’s Cream, King Steer, and Much A-moo About Nothing. Of course, the concession stand would sell rainbow popcorn and miniature milkshakes made from the milk of our tiny cows. We would call it a Milkshakespeare.

So, I say, “Yes to funny business!” In fact, I’d fully embrace it. Who wouldn’t want to start their day with a hearty laugh courtesy of a dreadlocked donkey? Or end it watching llamas give their best Shakespearean soliloquies? And let’s not forget the joy of biting into a piece of rainbow popcorn while sipping a miniature milkshake—both as colorful and quirky as the farm itself.

The funny farm would be more than just a place to chuckle—it would be a sanctuary of silliness, where every corner is designed to make you smile. From the pasture to the produce, it’s a world where the ridiculous reigns supreme and every day is a festival of fun. So, whether it’s Jest Laugh & Beyond, Gagabytes, or my down-to-earth funny farm, I’m all in on the business of bringing joy. After all, the world could always use a little more laughter, and I’m just the person to deliver it—one prank, giggle, and moo at a time.

August 16th, 2024

Journal Writing

August 16th, 2024

The Art of the Missed Quip

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I’ve never been great at thinking on my feet—or on my head, for that matter. My specialty seems to be thinking on my back, because it’s only when I’m lying in bed that the perfect comeback finally pops into my mind. By then, of course, the moment’s long gone, and all I can do is sigh and think, “Man, I wish I’d said that.”

I just don’t know when to quip. I’m so hopeless at quipping that I’ve considered booking a stay at one of those “retort resorts.” They offer a course called “Jesting While Fencing,” which sounds promising. After all, some of the best wordplay happens during swordplay, right? My wisecracks aren’t just cracked—they’re completely shattered. Every time someone gives me lip, I wish I could respond with something clever and tongue-in-cheek. Instead, it’s more like teeth-in-tongue because I always end up biting my tongue after something dumb slips out.

I’ve even thought about hiring someone to write my comebacks for me. You know, a little quip pro quo. But alas, I’m always late to the repartee, and I’ve accepted that I’ll never master the art of the taunt. My “bon mot” is more like “bon not.” The only thing I know how to roast is potatoes, and even those don’t always turn out right.

Honestly, I make a mockery out of mockery. But as I look back on what I’ve written, I realize this whole thing is just one big self-roast. Maybe that’s been the secret all along—insulting myself before anyone else gets the chance. And when they look at me in bewilderment, I’ll just shrug and quip, “Hey, I’m only kidding myself.”

August 7th, 2024

Journal Writing

August 7th, 2024

Chronically Late: The Misfortunes of a Trendsitter

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They say time is money, so why am I poor? I mean, that can’t be good, right? Maybe it’s because I tend to be late. And by late, I don’t mean fashionably late; I have no fashion sense. My style is like boho-chic meets business casual. It’s as if I’m trying to make a statement that I’m against conformity while simultaneously wanting to fit in. It’s very confusing. I think I’m more of a trendsitter than a trendsetter, meaning I sit and wait on a trend until it’s no longer trendy anymore. I’m always late jumping on the bandwagon, and then everyone is like, “Dude, that was so last year.”

One thing I’m not late for is a party. I swear my internal clock is set to party time. However, I do tend to stay too late, especially when it’s a birthday party. I’ve found that sometimes they’ll give me leftover food and cake just to get me to leave. It’s like they’ve figured out my kryptonite: the promise of free cake.

I wish I wasn’t late for the early bird special at restaurants. Although, given the old adage, “the early bird catches the worm,” I have to wonder: do they serve spaghetti made out of worms? I wouldn’t know because I’ve never made it to an early bird special. It’s probably a good thing because I would probably open a can of worms with the restaurant if I told everyone their ‘early bird special’ might just involve actual worms. That would definitely complicate my chances of getting a free dessert! Knowing my luck, the dessert would be mud pie. Speaking of worms though, I’m not in any hurry to become worm food myself.

Sometimes, I think I’ll even be late for my own funeral, but who really wants to be on time for that? When the time comes, I want to call the undertaker and say, “You know I’m going to be just a few years late, right?” I’m sure the undertaker will understand. In fact, he’ll probably expect it, considering my track record.

And speaking of track records, I think my personal best is showing up a solid 45 minutes late to a meeting because I got lost in the black hole of the internet, reading about the history of the spork. Fascinating stuff, but not exactly time well spent. No wonder I’m poor.

August 2nd, 2024

Journal Writing

August 2nd, 2024

The Wizard of Schnoz and The Great Sneeze Storm

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Often in the morning, I find myself sneezing up a storm. Let me tell you from experience that you never want a sneeze storm loose in your home. Suddenly, it gets very dark, despite your bright but energy-efficient lighting. Papers start scattering around and blowing out the window. So long, shopping list. I guess I didn’t need those Cool Ranch Buffalo Cheetos, anyway.

Next comes the heavy rains. Good luck filing an insurance claim for water damage; they will only tell you they don’t protect against sneeze storms. Too bad the wind also took the overdue bill for the insurance company.

Don’t even get me started about the thunder and the angry neighbors banging at your door because they think you’re testing a new pair of subwoofers with one of those bass mix albums. You know the one: Gesundheit Bass Vol. 5.

Then comes the lightning. The lights begin to flicker before leaving you in the dark completely. I know I paid that bill! Also, contrary to popular belief, those “energy-saving” lightbulbs don’t actually save up energy to use at a later time.

Once the sneeze storm finally clears and your power is restored, you might discover a redheaded girl in ruby slippers and her pet Cairn Terrier mysteriously standing in your living room. She might be asking to meet the Wizard of Schnoz. You try explaining to her you’re not some powerful wizard, you just have powerful allergies. Anyway, I told her, “You’re more than welcome to look and if you do happen to find him, ask if he has some antihistamines for me.”

I regretted extending the welcome because she really overstayed it. When she invited some scary-looking scarecrow guy over, that was the last straw. I don’t know what made her think I was having some kind of party, other than the Gesundheit Bass music. Even if I was having a party, you don’t just invite any old scarecrow over without asking. I mean, it’s kind of a no-brainer.

If that wasn’t bad enough, then a group of people burst through my door claiming to be storm chasers right in the middle of the game of Twister we were playing. I really need to pick up some Benadryl. I would hate to see what happens next allergy season if I could see anything at all with red, itchy swollen eyes. Also, does anyone know how much a one-way bus ticket to Kansas is? Apparently, that girl, Dorothy, asked the dog to fetch her slippers and I’m sure you can piece together the rest.

I feel another sneeze coming on if these people don’t get out of my place. I try suppressing it, but I sneeze so hard that this time a cloud of glitter bursts out of my nose, showering everyone in the vicinity. For a moment, there’s stunned silence as everyone processes what just happened. Then, once my uninvited guests start finding glitter in their drinks, on their clothes, and even in their hair, the novelty quickly wears off. Amidst the laughter, someone jokes, “Well, I guess this is a party favor we didn’t ask for!” But as the glitter continues to spread like a relentless sparkly plague, they start heading for the door, not wanting to take home any more of my glittery sneeze souvenirs.

July 30th, 2024

Journal Writing

July 30th, 2024

What Brought Circ-us Together

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I didn’t write the book on love, but a romance novel—that’s an entirely different story. I totally feel like that’s something I could do, but in my case, it would definitely need to be a romantic comedy. Let’s see if I can come up with a meet cute and a rough outline for one. It obviously needs to be something far-fetched, you know, for comedic value. Here’s what I have so far:

“Everybody Loves a Clown”

Sir Charles “Chuckles” McJester, the Duke of Merriment and Laughter, is a clown for a traveling circus. He makes children merry with his hilarious antics, but behind the painted-on face, he is truly sad. He longs for a woman to marry and have his children. Someone who can bring him merriment for a change. All that changes when he meets Violet Bliss, an animal rights activist set on shutting down his circus.

It’s love at first sight when he sees her passing out flyers in the fairgrounds. He works up the courage to approach her, his oversized shoes make a flopping sound as he walks. Chuckles hands Violet Bliss a flower. As she bends over to take a whiff, he squirts her in the nose with water. At this point, she is pretty displeased, but he quips, “Hey, it’s just a splash of affection!” In an attempt to redeem himself, he makes her a balloon animal, which she then pops. He jokes, “Guess that relationship was full of hot air!”

Any kind of romantic future for these two seems bleak until Chuckles starts helping her sabotage the circus. Violet Bliss starts opening up to the possibility of romance. Things are going great until Chuckles’ ex-girlfriend, The Bearded Lady, gets jealous and decides to do some sabotaging of her own. One night, after Violet Bliss sees Chuckles and The Bearded Lady in the kissing booth, she decides to break off the affair.

As their big-top love seems to have hit rock bottom, Chuckles discovers Violet Bliss has been kidnapped. He soon learns it was Barnaby Barnum, the circus owner, fed up with Violet’s attempts at shutting him down. Chuckles, with the help of The World’s Strongest Man, a trapeze artist, and a miniature horse, comes to her rescue. He explains what she had seen was another clown meant to look like him kissing The Bearded Lady. “It was all smoke and mirrors, and a lot of beard wax!”

He then tells her that when they first met, she popped his balloon animal; now it was his turn to pop something. He gets down on one knee and proposes, saying, “Will you be the ringmaster of my heart?” They get married at the fairgrounds where they first met, with a bear on roller skates as the ring bearer. Together they change the circus, removing all the live animal acts. As they ride off into the sunset on a unicycle built for two, Chuckles can’t resist one last joke: “I guess you could say we’re the main attraction now!”

So, what do you think? I realize this might not exactly be romantic comedy gold and is a little fruity, but at least it wasn’t about fruits or vegetables this time. Am I right?

July 27th, 2024

Journal Writing

July 27th, 2024

Corn Paper and Corny Jokes: A Match Made in Pun Heaven

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As a writer, putting words on paper sometimes feels like trying to peel an onion without crying—a few tears are inevitable. My nemesis, writer’s block, loves to show up uninvited, but sometimes I find myself worrying about the trees that sacrificed their lives for my corny jokes. I mean, who wants to go down in history as the Grim Reaper of trees? Plus, history books are pretty paper-intensive.

One day, a brilliant thought struck me: Can you make paper out of corn? We already turn corn into fuel and soft drinks, so why not paper? Picture it: writing corny jokes on actual corn paper. The pun potential is through the roof!

After some intense research (by which I mean a quick Google search), I discovered that you can indeed make paper from corn husks. I aim for my anecdotes to be not only ridiculous but also mildly educational, so here’s how it works.

Step one: shuck the corn. Step two: shuck the corn into the trash because we’re making paper, not dinner. Aw, shucks! Just kidding—we’re making both! Besides, I’m not exactly sure tossing ears of corn into a garbage can is how you play cornhole. If it isn’t, then boy have I been playing it wrong. Step three: collect the husks, but make sure you remove the shanks. They are neither useful in papermaking nor edible. You could try feeding them to some pigs, but they’d likely just turn up their snouts and say, “No shanks.”

Next, toss the husks into a pot with some soda ash. Now, I know what you’re thinking: new soda flavor? Not quite—but it can be used as an intermediate to manufacture corn sweeteners. Once boiled, blend those husks into a pulp. We’re definitely not making corn smoothies either. Then, spread the pulp on a screen, press out the moisture, and let it dry overnight under a heavy weight. Congratulations, you’ve made corn parchment! Or maybe just the wrap for a tamale?

At this point, you might be wondering, “What’s up with this guy and vegetables? Last week it was tomatoes, now it’s corn.” Well, fun fact: tomatoes are actually fruit, a berry to be precise. I told you this would be educational. But still I wonder, what the heck then are grape tomatoes? The truth is, I’ve been on a plant-based diet lately, so I’ve been vegging out. Anyway, now I can proudly say that these corny jokes are written on corn paper—eco-friendly and pun-approved!

Stay tuned for next week’s installment of this Plant-Based Digest where we discuss potatoes, our best spuds.

July 20th, 2024

Journal Writing

July 20th, 2024

Tomato-ally Bad Jokes: A Saucy Collection

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I realize I’ve been known to tell a bad joke or two. If you don’t like it, feel free to throw tomatoes at me. But in that case, the joke would be on you because I actually enjoy tomatoes. They’re fantastic in salads, sandwiches, and wraps. And I ask you, where would grilled cheese be without tomato soup? That’s definitely what you should eat if you’re getting sick of my jokes.

I’ve got some bad news if you don’t like my bad jokes—I’m working on a book of them. It’s going to be titled Tomato Soup for the Droll. Here’s a taste: Why did the chicken soup cross the road? Because there was a fork in it, and you can’t eat soup with a fork. I know, pretty bad, right? But that’s what I promised, after all.

Anyway, as I was saying, I like eating tomatoes. Unless, of course, they become sentient like in Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, in which case, they’d probably eat me. Those are the kind of tomatoes that would make better ketchup. Or is it catsup? I feel that’s something people could argue about until they’re red in the face, red as a tomato. I just hope that if one were to ever really come alive, it would be more like Bob the Tomato from Veggie Tales.

I’m not sure why I like tomatoes so much. Maybe it’s because I didn’t want to be one of those people slapping themselves in the head thinking they could’ve had a V8. In fact, I’ll take a V9 or V10 if you’ve got it.

But yeah, all joking aside, if you don’t like my bad jokes, by all means, throw one at me. It will keep me on my toma-toes. No hard feelings. Maybe I’ll learn to write better jokes, and some movie producer might even want to make a film adaptation of my book. Though it would probably still get bad reviews on Rotten Tomatoes.

So, what’s your stance on tomatoes? Do you toss them in a salad or toss them at bad comedians like me?

July 13th, 2024

Journal Writing

July 13th, 2024

The Maître d' of the Dumpster: A Head-Banging Day at Work

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The other day at work, I was taking out the garbage—because, let’s face it, I’m not above it. Though, if you never took the garbage out, you’d eventually find yourself beneath it. Anyway, since I’m not Bruce Lee, Bruce Wayne, or even Bruce Almighty, I decided to use one of those sliding doors in the back to throw it out. Unfortunately, there was already a hefty pile of, well, Hefty trash bags back there. And since I’m not aspiring to be an Olympic discus thrower, I had to move some of it out of the way first.

After completing that task, I managed to hit the back of my head on the dumpster. Just swell—I thought—not only am I at risk for a concussion, but now rabies might be on the table too. My work’s dumpster is like a five-star restaurant for raccoons. I know this because I moonlight as a maître d’ there on weekends. Once, a nice family of opossums even wanted a table for dinner.

Now, I know some people would disagree, but I kind of like opossums. Not only are they immune to rabies (unlike raccoons), but they also have opposable thumbs. When I asked that family of opossums if they enjoyed their meal at my work’s dumpster, they gave me a thumbs up. That’s more than I’ve ever gotten from my work—they didn’t even offer me a bandage for my now-swollen head.

Another great thing about opossums is that when they feel threatened, they play dead. I should’ve played opossum after hitting my head. Maybe then I could’ve gotten a settlement and wouldn’t have to moonlight as a maître d’ at a dumpster. Most of the customers that come here are grouches—Oscar the Grouch, to be precise. But they find themselves in good company because I can be somewhat like the great Groucho Marx.