Tag: humor

September 10th, 2023

Journal Writing

September 10th, 2023

Werehumans

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There is never enough light in the day. There is never enough light in the night, for that matter, either. This fact is more noticeable on a night when it’s a new moon. Be very cautious during a new moon because not only is it extremely dark, but that’s also when legend has it wolves turn into werehumans. Never under any circumstances do you want to be bitten by one of them, or you might start doing crazy things like wearing clothes and paying taxes. I don’t know about you, but I enjoy going around in the nude and haven’t had any tax collectors at my door for years. I’m not sure why. Perhaps others think there is too much light in the day when I do that.

In all seriousness, though, there are many things to like about the night. The perfect time to get to first base is when it’s pitch black. However, when stealing a kiss, check it’s your girlfriend and not a skunk. Although, I’m sure skunks make good kissers. Pepé Le Pew, need I say more? It’s just that, in the dark, it’s hard to be sure it’s a skunk, not a cat with white stripes painted down its back. No cat is going to get my tongue! In any case, you better beware because if you feel her nibbling on your ear, it just might be a werehuman instead.

Another great thing about the night is nightmares. Where would we be without those? Am I right? Once, I had this nightmare. I was transformed into a werehuman and hit by a car while chasing a fire truck. Ever since, I’ve been afraid to commit arson anymore, fearing that the dream might come true. I ask you: Now, who will make sure there’s enough light in the day, let alone the night?

January 11th, 2023

Journal Writing

January 11th, 2023

Now Fear

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When I was a kid, I wore No Fear T-shirts. Ironically, as an adult, I now fear many things, even getting a stain on my shirt. Whenever I find myself in even the slightest of conflicts, my fight or flight instinct kicks in, and I almost always opt to jump on a red-eye flight over getting a black eye. I will take a trip to just about anywhere besides the grocery store to fetch a bag of frozen peas to prevent my eye from swelling. Furthermore, everyone knows when you have a black eye that only black-eyed peas work. Thanks to recent supply shortages, who knows if they will have any in stock. Whenever I need to go to the supermarket, there is always a certain level of apprehension that goes along with it because you never know who you will bump into. If you bump into the wrong person, they might give your other eye a matching shiner. Another reason I dread going to the store is that I suffer from an eyes-are-bigger-than-my-stomach condition, which is only worsened by the fact that they are both already swollen at this point. Now, since I didn’t submit to my natural tendency toward chicken-heartedness, I’m buying black-eyed peas, a whole chicken, and a 10-pound burlap sack full of potatoes to go along with it. After said shopping spree, and with the rising cost of groceries, comes the worry that I will not be able to pay my bills for the month. Now, instead of a No Fear T-shirt, you might see me wearing the burlap sack with two raccoon eyes digging through your trash can. That is definitely something to fear.

September 5th, 2022

Journal Writing

September 5th, 2022

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As a general rule of thumb: you should try not to be all thumbs and no fingers. You have to hand it to me at least I am writing about hands instead of feet or missing socks this time. It’s hard writing with your feet anyways. Although I know some people can. The sad thing is that they probably still have better handwriting than me. Thank God for typewriters, right? It’s almost always better to keep your neighbors up all night than have illegible texts like I do. In all seriousness, I would love to do more writing on my vintage 1958 Olympia SM3 typewriter. But I find it extremely difficult to hit the keys with just my thumbs while a neighbor is rapping their knuckles on my door. It’s probably just as well, though, because the last time I checked, one of these relics in pristine condition was selling for a couple hundred dollars. Unless, of course, you get it for a steal with a special five-finger discount, but I never understood that expression since anything worth stealing would probably take all ten. Besides, thieving from the wrong person is a great way to quickly become all thumbs and no fingers, which is why it’s unmistakably better to work for a living. Happy Labor Day!

September 2nd, 2022

Journal Writing

September 2nd, 2022

The Wrong Foot

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You should never start off on the wrong foot, you should only start off on a couple of wrong inches at most. Furthermore, why do we call it a foot when the majority of people’s feet are under a foot in length? It is kind of misleading unless, of course, you wear a size fourteen shoe. Oh well, I guess if the shoe fits, right? I know, I know. I promise this won’t turn into some kind of running gag. I can’t promise, however, that this won’t turn into a walking joke though. I like to keep souvenirs and gifts from girlfriends in a shoebox. I’m sentimental like that. Not that I’m sure there’s really any other way to be sentimental. Anyway, I keep these mementos and such from a girlfriend in the shoebox, even though a lot of times, said girlfriend will end up walking all over me. See? I said I couldn’t promise I wouldn’t make a walking joke. One time, after one of these particularly pedestrian girlfriends had paraded all over me, I decided to set fire to the shoebox. Now that’s what I would call not only starting off but ending off on the wrong foot too.

August 11th, 2022

Journal Writing

August 11th, 2022

Dirty Laundry

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You should be careful airing out another person’s dirty laundry if you haven’t learned how to wash your own. It is one of the quickest ways to get hung out to dry or worse losing one of a pair of matching socks. That seems to be one of life’s great mysteries. Is it under the washer? Did you drop it on the way to the laundry room? Or could it be that somebody is secretly stealing them to show others their holes and all and how sullied they might be? Truth be told, feet can smell pretty funky, so maybe it’s a good thing if they are getting aired out. But if you are worried about it or to be on the safe side, might I suggest you wear sandals? May I even dare say a pair of crocs, but someone has disclosed to me, in confidence, that those have gone out of fashion or should only be worn while boating. What does any of this have to do with laundry? I don’t know, but I do know that if I ever find myself out on a boat, sporting a pair of crocs, and they are hoisting the sails—the last thing I would hope to see up there is one of my bedsheets.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

Article Writing

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

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Introduction

Let me be honest, sometimes I consider throwing in the towel, but then what would I use to dry off? There are little things in life that can make us sweat: from making deadlines at work to paying rent on time. Then there are the big things: how you are going to pay for college, what you want to do with the rest of your life, or deciding whether to quit a job or not. All of it can leave you feeling like you just ran a 5k marathon. So what are some things you can do to not sweat the small and large stuff too?

Take a Breather

Since you probably feel like you just finished running a long-distance race, try to take a moment to catch your breath. Any kind of important decision we generally have to make requires thinking, and guess what your brain needs to properly function? Oxygen. When you are calm and breathing well, your mind will then be kind to you and provide you with clear answers or solutions to your problems. If you need help accomplishing this, you can try doing tai chi, which is a perfect exercise that helps you focus on your breathing. You could try taking a walk. I know, I know… probably the last thing you want to do after running a 5K. Walking will not only relax you, but it will also help you to maintain a steady breathing pattern and rhythm in your heart.

Cool Off for a Minute

It is hard to deal with any situation when you are hot under the collar or have steam coming out of your ears. What better way to break a sweat than in a steam room? No one makes good choices when they are hot-headed. You should try putting off making any decisions in the heat of the moment. Do whatever you have to cool off. Take a cold shower, take it out on a pillow, or even take first place in the aforementioned five-kilometer race. Whatever you need to do, rid yourself of that anger. By making more rational, well-informed decisions, you will be less likely to sweat the small stuff. So always remember to keep a cool head, drink a slushy if you have to… just be careful of brain freeze.

Tell Yourself, ‘It’s No Sweat!’

There is a lot to be said about the power of positive thinking. Just telling yourself mentally that you can handle something can actually make you physically capable of dealing with it. There was a study done proving there was a link between your perceived age mentally and the actual physical age of your body. The research found that people who thought of themselves as being younger were much fitter and healthier than those who did not. The brain is the most powerful muscle in your body, but just like any other muscle, it can become overworked. Do not spend too much time thinking and worrying about things; instead, tell your brain that ‘it’s no sweat’ and it won’t.

In Conclusion

Did you notice a common theme throughout this article? No, I’m not referring to the occasional humorous analogy to running a marathon; but to what all these points had in common: your mindset. By thinking that you can’t, you probably won’t. Don’t be a dumbbell and exercise positive thought. Stinking thinking will not only smell worse than a bag of sweaty gym socks but also keep you sweating the small stuff.

Piacquadio, Andrea. “Selective Focus Close-up Photo of Woman in Gray Tank Top Using White Towel to Wipe Her Face.” Pexels, 13 July 2018, www.pexels.com/photo/selective-focus-close-up-photo-of-woman-in-gray-tank-top-using-white-towel-to-wipe-her-face-3757945/.

November 24th, 2020

Journal Writing

November 24th, 2020

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There is no rest for the wicked, so if I can, I try to hit the snooze at least a couple times every morning. Although I don’t exactly resemble a sleeping angel, trust me when I say you really don’t want to see my lack-of-sleep demon, either. This devil fiends for coffee, and so help me if he doesn’t get it! I mean, if you’re quite fond of having a head, you better hope there’s cream and sugar in it too. Lest you want to see eyes turn as black as said coffee. All kidding aside, does anyone know of a good exorcist?

April 2nd, 2020

Journal Writing

April 2nd, 2020

Brainstorm

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Sometimes my mind is cloudy even when skies are clear. It’s on these kinds of days, even my name is mud and I question whether the grass is green at all on the other side. It also makes me wonder if my muse only cares to visit when all is gloom and doom, only allowing inspiration to strike me like lighting in a brainstorm. The words seem then to come out of me about 100 mph like a tongue twister.

March 17th, 2020

Journal Writing

March 17th, 2020

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Is the ‘trick’ in St. Patrick’s Day why so many of us choose to celebrate this holiday by drinking until we’re a bit green in the face. I mean, how many can truly say they’ve seen the end of a rainbow, and if they have, can they also say they found a pot of gold waiting for them there? And don’t even get me started about four leaf clovers, the odds of finding one are about one in 10,000. You are just as likely to be injured by a toilet — that’s something to keep in mind when you’ve had that one glass too many of Jameson today. Finally, I’m not so sure saying, ‘kiss me I’m Irish’ works even if you are Irish, but you’re more than welcome to kiss the Blarney Stone, I’m sure.

March 16th, 2020

Journal Writing

March 16th, 2020

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With all that’s been happening in the world, I sit back and think to myself: How nice would it be to just live in la-la land? Where pixies and nymphs do sprightly jigs while singing catchy little tunes in the sunny, yet cool afternoon. In the entrance of a nearby cave, a troll takes a load off on an overgrown toadstool as he flicks through the pages of a book by Tolstoy. His nose softly whistling notes like a piccolo. Down by the bay, mermaids bathe and wade. Their splashes and laughter, just as musical as the crescendo of waves. Yeah, la-la land sounds pretty good right about now.