My girlfriend brought me a Tom and Jerry mix. My first thought? Oh great, someone finally figured out how to package cartoon violence. I imagined opening the container and instantly getting caught in a whirlwind of fur, frying pans, and tiny wooden mallets.
Then I thought—maybe it’s a mix for Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Because honestly, who wouldn’t want to churn ice for hours just to make their own cat-and-mouse-themed frozen treat? Maybe it’s flavored like cheese and contempt. Or maybe it’s just vanilla, but with the added excitement of wondering if a piano is about to fall on your head.
Neither turned out to be correct.
After carefully reading the packaging, I finally deciphered that Tom and Jerry mix is actually used to make a holiday cocktail. That’s right—it’s basically boozy eggnog. Suddenly, my mystery mix wasn’t promising cartoon chaos or ice cream—it was inviting me to get festive and sloshed.
Since I’m trying to avoid alcohol while also keeping up with trends, I’d prefer a mocktail. Don’t knock it until you mock it. But apparently, this drink is so old-fashioned that even Santa Claus might side-eye you for drinking it. Which means I had unknowingly entered a very specific holiday dilemma: Do I betray my commitment to mocktails, or do I lean into tradition and start aggressively caroling after one sip?
And let’s not forget the biggest problem—I’m on a no-carb diet for my eyelids. They’re getting puffier than my uncle’s ankles after Thanksgiving dinner. And everyone knows turkey goes straight to your talocrural region. It’s basic holiday biology.
I sighed. I had been expecting something fun. Instead, I was holding a carton of holiday peer pressure—otherwise known as temptation in a festive mug.
It sounds fancy enough that I might just overlook the fact that it’s March and Christmas is a distant memory. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times—the best because I was about to taste something fancy, the worst because I was about to cheat on my eyelid diet with a carton of batter.
Looks like I’ll have to send my girlfriend back to the store for whatever the non-alcoholic version of a Tom and Jerry is.
And maybe some nutmeg. If I’m getting roped into the holiday spirit, I might as well commit.
Love you, babe.