This week, I tried Shirataki noodles for lunch—those translucent, gelatinous Japanese noodles that look like they were fished straight from a lava lamp. Normally, I’m pretty adventurous when it comes to food, but I was unshirataki about this one.
The texture alone made me feel like I was chewing on jellyfish tentacles. And judging by the taste? Let’s just say it didn’t exactly sting my appetite in a good way. I bailed after two bites and reached for a sleeve of Ritz Peanut Butter Sandwich Crackers instead. Fitting, really—since a group of jellyfish is called a smuck, which sounds suspiciously like Smucker’s, and once you’ve got jelly on the brain, peanut butter isn’t far behind. It just seemed less Ritzky.
But the weirdest part? I didn’t get the noodles from a grocery store or a Japanese restaurant—I found them at Ross Dress for Less. You know, the discount clothing store where you can buy yoga pants, a waffle iron, and a bottle of expired coconut water all in one trip. I don’t know what compelled me to trust jelly-noodles from a place where the clearance bin doubles as a jungle gym. Next time, I’ll stick to buying a shirt over Shirataki. Maybe a nice Hawaiian one—to mourn the noodles I left behind at sea.
Look, I know some people treat jellyfish as a delicacy. For those brave souls, Shirataki would make a perfect appetizer. But like a jellyfish, I apparently lack a backbone. I’ve tried calamari before, but if it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll stick with cauliflower. Between Shirataki and Squid Game, I’d rather binge-watch than binge-eat.