I sometimes wonder if eating enough Peter Pan peanut butter could actually turn me into Peter Pan. An all-expenses-paid trip to Neverland, where I’d never have to grow old? Sign me up! But with a deal that sweet, there’s bound to be a Hook. Hopefully, it’s not a fancy-dressed pirate with a grudge. Although I do admire Captain Hook’s fashion sense. I’ve got to wonder where he got his ruffled shirt—from The Swashbuckle at the mall?
Of course, the real question is: how much peanut butter does it take to make this magic happen? Maybe instead of wondering, I should just grab some Wonder Bread and find out. I bet even Elvis would approve—after all, the King was all about peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Though if I start eating those by the king-sized portion, I might be shaking my hips and singing “Jailhouse Rock,” with women swooning like I’m on stage in Vegas. Forget flying to Neverland—I’d have my hands full down here.
But if I did want to take off, I’d probably need a little help from Tinkerbell. Knowing her, she’d get jealous of all the swooning and sprinkle glitter in my peanut butter instead of pixie dust. I’d end up flying, sure—but probably straight to the dentist instead of Neverland!
Now that I can fly, I guess I wouldn’t need a plane, which means no more airport security lines. And that’s a relief, because TSA might have a few questions if they caught me trying to board with a suitcase full of peanut butter jars. Especially without jelly. I mean, peanut oil can be processed into glycerol, which is an ingredient in nitroglycerin. So maybe they’d think I was carrying a recipe for dynamite… or just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich that’s the bomb!
Then again, if I ate that TNT PB&J, I might end up flying to Heaven instead of Neverland. I was going for Peter Pan, not one of The Lost Boys.
On second thought, maybe I’ll skip the Peter Pan peanut butter and go with Skippy. Or better yet, skip the peanut butter altogether and head to Wendy’s for fries and a Frosty. I mean, Wendy did leave Neverland and grow up, right? Who’s to say she didn’t start a fast-food chain? I bet she’d be happy to trade peanut butter for some fries and a Frosty.