Last night, it was raining cats and dogs. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration; it was only raining dogs. You know how cats are—they only come out when it’s sunny and there’s a good chance of a sunbeam to lounge in. Rain? Please.
As I peered out at the deluge, I half-expected to see a soggy dachshund floating by, complete with a tiny life jacket and a confused expression, wondering how he ended up in this wet adventure. Anyway, I was pretty thrilled about the rain because, as fate would have it, I’m in the market for a new pet. Now, you may be wondering, but wait—what happened to the pet dragon from your anecdote, “Chain Mail and Coffee Tables: A Middle-aged Fable“?
Well, remember that old Bruce Lee movie, Enter the Dragon? Yeah, in my case, it was more like Exit the Dragon. I wanted to keep him, I really did. After all, 2024 is the Year of the Dragon! But the landlord (of dark realms) gave me that look—the one that means, “I won’t be handling fire hazards at my age.”
Now, I would’ve fought to keep him, Bruce Lee style—but let’s be honest, I’m more The Karate Kid. And even that’s a bit of a stretch. You might find this hard to believe, but I’m not a kid. And as for the “Karate” part, well… let’s just say my kung fu is more like kung phooey. I’ve even considered brushing up my skills with the great sensei, Hong Kong Phooey—number one super guy! After all, who wouldn’t want to learn martial arts from a cartoon dog that’s as skilled as he is charming?
Speaking of canines, I’m thinking a dog might be too much responsibility right now. I’m optimistic it’ll start precipitating some other critters next. Maybe a sprinkle of chinchillas? They sound chill, right? Although, now that I think about it, I hope this doesn’t mean it’s going to start snowing chinchillas. I’m pretty new to the whole chinchilla ownership thing, but I’m fairly certain they don’t enjoy being mistaken for snowballs.
On second thought, maybe I should start even smaller—like with a Chia Pet. They practically take care of themselves! And thanks to all this rain, I could skip watering altogether. Only drawback? It’d probably take months before I could teach it to fetch.
So here I am, on the quest for the perfect pet, hoping the universe sends me something cute that won’t require a life vest or a training class in survival skills. After a lifetime of fish that lived only a week, I’m starting to think a pet rock might be my best option. I mean, they might not fetch, but at least they won’t give me the side-eye when I eat an entire pizza by myself! So, as I sit here contemplating my options, I can’t help but think that I’d make a fantastic pet owner… if only my pet would be as low maintenance as a rock!