It’s Valentine’s Day, and love is in the air. But that got me thinking—does love have a lower density than standard dry air? I’d believe in a flying baby with a bow and arrow—I mean, babies are already airborne when the stork delivers them—but love? Love is heavy. Emotionally, at least.
And if love is in the air, does that mean I might catch cooties? That’s a real concern. What even are cooties, anyway? If you catch them, do you turn into a cutie? Because between you and me, I could really use that. I’m not saying I’m hideous, just… aesthetically challenged.
Let’s put it this way: when the stork tried to deliver me, my parents pulled the ol’ “lights off, don’t answer the door” trick. Unfortunately for them, the stork was persistent—and also weirdly passive-aggressive—so instead of flying off, it left me on the porch along with a jar of Vlasic pickles. A subtle hint that they were in for a real pickle, raising a baby as ugly as me.
They kept the pickles. They tried to return me. But, as it turns out, the Stork Delivery Service has a strict no-return policy. If not for that fine print, who knows where I’d be today? Probably shipped off to a different address, like a misdelivered Amazon package.
Reluctantly, they kept me, hoping I’d grow out of my baby uglies. I never did—but at least I plateaued instead of escalating the situation. Back in elementary school, Valentine’s Day wasn’t exactly my time to shine. Even when the teacher forced kids to hand out cards, I swear I saw some of them sneak past my desk like they were avoiding a landmine.
But it’s all good now. Because somehow, against all odds, I have the sweetest Valentine ever—someone who actually welcomes my… unconventional looks. And sure, I may not be one of the “beautiful people,” but I do write beautiful poetry.
Which should help keep the storks in business for a long time.
Hopefully, though, they’ve learned their lesson. No more surprise deliveries of ugly baby boy bombs on unsuspecting porches. Vlasic pickles may be dill’licious, but they’re not so delicious that new parents should need Lasik after laying eyes on their little bundle of joy. Maybe it’s time for the stork to start being a little more… kosher.
