The Grammy Awards were on Sunday, and a lot of talented singers walked away with those shiny trophies. Naturally, this got me thinking: whatever happened to singing telegrams? I’ve always wanted one, but the closest I ever got was Alfred, the alley cat, screeching the worst rendition of “What’s New Pussycat?” I’ve ever heard.
Alfred’s musical escapades weren’t limited to “What’s New Pussycat?” Last week, he attempted a jazzy version of “My Way” that made me wish I’d gone deaf. Frank Sinatra is probably rolling in his grave. Let’s just say Alfred won’t be winning a Grammy anytime soon.
But really—wouldn’t a singing telegram be fantastic? Imagine someone belting out opera at your doorstep to announce you’re being evicted. If you’re going to get bad news, why not get it with a dramatic high C, right?
Think of the possibilities: birthday greetings sung to the tune of “Danny Boy,” wedding invitations delivered in Billy Idol’s “White Wedding” style, or break-up letters performed to “Celebration” by Kool & The Gang. Or even better, imagine a speeding ticket citation delivered to the tune of “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Spoiler: you really should have stopped. It would turn life’s awkward moments into musical events!
And what about a jury duty summons delivered as a singing telegram?
You’ve been called for jury duty, so grab your coat. Stop.
It’s mandatory—so yes, you have to go. Stop.
The trial may take a week or maybe more. Stop.
Failure to show means fines galore. Stop.
Questions? Drop the commissioner a line. Stop.
But don’t forget—justice runs on time! Stop.
With emails, e-cards, and video calls everywhere, some people might ask, “Do we really need singing telegrams?” I say yes! They add a unique, personal touch to communication, which is exactly why I think robots should deliver them.
Because nothing says “personal touch” like a gigantic android with LED eyes, a bow tie programmed to spin, and a malfunctioning vocal processor that turns “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” into a techno remix no one asked for. That’s the kind of warm, human connection we all crave, right?
Still, even that would be less terrifying than karaoke night with Alfred the alley cat. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Alfred were a retired animatronic from Five Nights at Freddy’s. Maybe that’s where all the tone-deaf singing telegram prototypes ended up—haunting unsuspecting night guards instead of my front porch.
But one thing’s for sure: if life’s surprises are going to ambush me, I want them to come with a melody—and definitely not from a feline auditioning for America’s Got No Talent, the version where even the judges beg for earplugs.